**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
