Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
