My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
