i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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