So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
