my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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