why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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