This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
