Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
