im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
