I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
