I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
