Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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