It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize