I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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