I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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