he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
