Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
