KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
