dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
