I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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