Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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