My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
