do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
