my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
