2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I skipped work to stalk him.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
