Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
