you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
