No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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