that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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