I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
