just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize