Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
