Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
