Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
