Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
