remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
