My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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