I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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