Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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