I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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