I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
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