I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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