I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
