Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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