1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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