I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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