you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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