I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
