I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
