can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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