I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
