So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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