I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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