So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
