the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
