Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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