I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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