at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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