I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
