Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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