Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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