i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
