Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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